CW: ADHD, Medication, mentions of low mood - Hopelessness, despair etc.

It's not been the best week or so, to be honest.

I had a couple of weeks of quite intense productivity; I got a lot done and I felt good about it, but the executive paralysis and inability to focus were still proving to be an issue.

During titration we agreed to raise the dose up to 70mg and see if it would just bring everything into sharper relief, but I'm not sure it has. This past week has been a frustrating mess of lethargy, inability to focus and a huge mood slump. I'd started to write a few things and that's all gone again. I keep looking at the project I have on the go but nothing is happening other than me getting more and more frustrated with myself. My ADHD specialist is concerned things aren't coming together as well as they could be. We've agreed to try the 70mg for another couple of weeks to see if it's just a case of still adjusting to the new dose, but he acknowledges that it might be too high and over-stimulation is having a paradoxical effect.

I have lost a little over 10Kg since starting on the medication. I rarely feel hungry at all, and on occasion have to force myself to eat. The main warning sign seems to be starting to feel quite intensely nauseated. Dry mouth is still an issue, but not quite as intensely as it has been.

My uni course website opens tomorrow and that means I should be able to start getting to grips with the material and readying myself for the start of the new semester in October. I want to be excited for that. I want nothing more than to put the deferral last year behind me and do well. but right now I'm just wracked with doubt. I had a 2 hour, 15 minute interview with a very friendly assessor for student aid yesterday. We've agreed a few things like mentoring, tutoring and some software aids. Hopefully they'll help.

Right now I feel like a fraud. Like I've just cost us a huge amount of money for no reason whatsoever. I'm not improving.