The sword of Damocles
CW: ADHD, Relationships, Possible adult themes, Polyamory, Limerence
I'm frightened, sad, and scared. I have been for weeks. I fear that one of my relationships is coming to an end and I guess I just want to talk about it. I've also been trying to get my head around talking about limerence, and I think it's all kinda related.
We met around the time the world fell apart on a small furry social media & chat site. They were funny and playful, but at the same time shy and reserved. This wonderful, enigmatic mystery of a person. The more we talked, the more I looked forward to seeing them. We'd stay up until the early hours talking and it was like time stood still. It'd be 3am before I even realised it. I don't think I've ever fell for someone so hard, so fast. There was a darkness, there too; especially in the early days. A bleakness and hopelessness about them that made my soul ache. I wanted to wrap them up and protect them from the world, a feeling that remains even now. We talked about everything; we were both doing distance learning at the same place; we had similar hobbies and I don't think there was ever an uncomfortable silence between us. The intimate moments we shared were just as vivid and just as real, to me, at least, as anything we could've shared in the flesh.
For every high, though, there was a low. We would both talk of longing, of traversing the gap between an online thing and real life, and they would pull away. They would tell me they wanted the same, with the same kind of passionate longing I felt, but they couldn't. They needed to tell me something, and it was never the right time. That I didn't understand, and I didn't listen. Maybe they were right. I was caught up in the moment. They did tell me though. Out of respect I could never repeat it, but it explained so much. They were frightened of me, and with good reason. It didn't change how I felt about them; I promised them I'd never leave unless they told me to go. I did my best to share my world with them in every way I could, but so many things would end up in the most awful fights. They asked me to push them, to break through the barriers that they'd erected, and I tried. Every way I tried was wrong; I was either too intense or not enough, I tried at the wrong time. We had so many fights in those early days, The boundaries were... It was like feeling my way in the dark along a wall covered in mines. It was worth it, to me. Some of the fights led to estrangement for months, and those times were like the colours had been turned off in the world.
So many things were out of the question, so I did my best to work within the confines I'd been given. They hated the fact I wanted to make a fuss of them on their birthday, or at other times of year. We eventually found a compromise, that I could send things to a locker nearby that they could pick up when they were able, but at times it was clear that it was more of an inconvenience than welcome. I always got a card though. On my birthday and Christmas. I don't normally keep cards, but I have every single one. They moved in 2024 and the present thing stopped completely. It was about that time the drift started. Multiple messages a day turned into one or maybe two. One in the morning and one in the evening around 2200. Sometimes maybe only the one. I told them I was frightened we were drifting. It led to a fight.
This year, I didn't get a birthday card. I never told them how much that hurt. They'd been busy with new work shifts and everything else, and I guess I I'd been overlooked in the chaos. It's been about a year since they told me they loved me, and six months or more since we last spoke in voice. I miss them. I miss what we had and I don't know how much road we have left to run. I've never seen their face and it's never mattered. I never loved them an iota less.
For better or worse, I've always been an intense person. Everything louder than everything else. Feelings turned up to 11 and tattooed on my sleeves, you know how it is. The hopeless romantic: hearts and flowers and tilting at windmills. That's me. It turns out there's even a word for it - Limerence. It's like the honeymoon period never ends. Every feeling, every sensation is as strong and as vivid as the moment we first met. It's often described with negative-sounding connotations: obsessive feelings of infatuation; uncertainty and emotional rollercoasters. And yeah, every word I suppose is true. I'd not change a moment of it though. Knowing that I made them smile once is worth an ocean of heartache. I'd still give my world to hold them, to feel their breath on my skin, their lips on mine. One chance to see that sparkle in their eye before we tumble to the ground and do things frantic and primal enough to make the whirlwind of thoughts just stop. For a while.